Friday the 15th of June thru Sunday 17th June
Easy lads, well it seems like we had a pretty eventful weekend this
time.....and im sure that we all feel like it. I would do it all again
in a flash though.
Friday the 15th June 2001
After finish work at 12:30 myself an the Markmonger (def'n - someone who sells marks) went home and got lunch. I came over to pick Mark upat 1:30 and was confronted with him leaning out of the window half shaven (scary sight). Well he eventually finished preening himself and we headed over to Tescos to buy some pizzas for the weekend (no expense spared when we stay with Dave). Mark opted for the Chigago town ham and pinapple, an myself i went for the Pepperoni - nothing better than pepperoni to get people to stand far away from you.
We got in my ever increasingly ricketty motor and began our journey to Cov - via super sausage (a truckers stop which is funny). Once arriving in Cov we had to go pick up Ian (an honorary hoofer) from Cov train station as he had come directly from N Ireland, via Birmingham Intl Airport. From the train station the next port of call was F Block for Mark to pick up his accomodation pack for next year, then to Alma building........shock horror...we almost didnt make it. Outside the planet S.U i attempted to negotiate a set of very shufty looking traffic lights. Im sure they were Green, but aparently i miss interpereted this and went straight out infront of oncoming traffic. Well they all screached to a halt and i made it accross (i would have lived anyways if we did get hit as the oncomig traffic was coming to hit on Marks and Ians sidde of the car...the worst i would have had was mark landing on me when the car rolled over...thats almost fatal in itself though).
We limped into port (33 Welland Road) at 4ish nad were greeted by Dave in his traditional shorts and vest.....i had a bet with mark that he would have sandals on...he didnt..but lucky for me we didnt put money on it (im really rubbish at bets). We negotiated our way through 16 cans between us (4 each i think), got ourselves all tarted up an started the trex to 'Jumping Jaks' the hallowed hall of drunken antics. They opened just as we arrived and we trotted straight in and helped ourselves to the traditional 'jug of fosters please', to which they reply 'all for you' then mutter 'greedy gits', followed by the Mark look alike bouncer to invite himself out on our next outing. Mushesh and Nik arrived at about 8ish and started to play catch up.
Enter memorable moment of the night number 1: Ian then fuelled by a fair bit of beer decided to demponstrate to us his robotics dancing....all i can say is he is 26....that was at its peak when he was a nipper. Actually the most disturbing part of the robotics dancing was mark joining in adn thinking that he was good at it.
Slightly after enter the memorable moment of the night 2:Ian again debating the pros and cons of showing us his break dancing skills on the floor. Before deciding not to because the floor was grimy (and all the know Ian will realise that this is potentially trecorous as Ian has only one outfit to go out in, so if his clothes got dirty he wouldnt have anything else to wear........ever!)
Slightly after Slightly after enter the memorable moment of the night 3:Ian again (Ian was very drunk as will be explained later) Ian latched onto a couple of young fillies who were sitting opposite us - I dont think he actually talked to them, more like just danced up to them and stood inbetween them staring at them and occasionally giving them a glimpse of his drunken smile......i think they left pretty soon after. Just to emphasis how bad Ian was, he then used the same technique with several other women and got nowhere. I seem to remember him later talking about grabbing girls bums and seeing their reacton to tell if he was in....well i guess that we all have to have different pulling techniques - not necessarily that direct as Ians.
Enter a Moo related memorable moment of the night (and probably the most memorable):Moo fancies himself as a bit of a Ricky Martin (in In dia Moo is actually known as Rickesh Martesh), moo is especially envious of Ricky's groin girating expertise. Moo decided (i think it was a decision rather than an involuntary action....however that would explain alot if it was some form of seizure), to dance rather more vigorously than Ricky Martin ever has (i think moos been watching ricky martin in fast forward or something).....i think the best way to put it is that moo was shaking his groin. The stage bouncer was told to take him off the stage for lude behaviour, and in one smooth move the bouncer aprehended the groiner and forced him off the stage to a raptuous aplause from the crowd - they applauded as they thought the show was over not cos the didnt appreciate the performance. Later Mark had the neat idea of forming a band called 'Groinesh and the Groinettes', i liked the idea but Moo wasnt too sure how far his groin movement could carry the band.....he didnt want ot be the Geri type to cause problems in he band.
On the way home we saw Helen Postlethwaite (an ex-flame of mine), she chose to ignore me, this may be due to the bad way i treated her or she was scared of the drunken cave man slurring her name out in the middle of the road.
Oooh - did i mention that it was pound a pint? Well it was - that may well account for most of the above. I must point out that Nik was very quiet, he wasnt drinking.....well i guess he had to work on Saturday, thats a shame as i think we were all looking forward to another rendition of the 'ministry of amusing dave's chicks walks'.
We walked home and all went to bed like nice children - actually we were all knackered and crashed out without a fight.
There was lots of drinking and lots af dancing - a bit of pulling ( i am a bit hazy on some of this so i would like to consult with my lawyers before i reveal any secrets of an squad members ). Im sure that many more things happened, but i cant remember them at the moment. If any of you rememebers more - email me and i'll add it in.
Saturday the 16th of June 2001
We got up and watched a bit of tv before preparing to leave for our lunch at Subway. But before leaving we were treated to a showing of the Ian Armstrong Vomit Show (its something like 'surprise surprise' presented by Cilla Black). IAn comes out to the living room and says, 'I feel better now', then 20 seconds later says ' i think im gonna be sick'. Runs to the bath room and knocks on the door and asks dave if he can come in - mean while dave is taking the king of all god like dumps...........<VOICEOVER> Will ian make it ot loo before spewing, will he spew at daves dump, or will hold it in?<ENDVOICEOVER>. Ali (daves housemate) gave ian a bin to hurl into - then ran out the kitchen screaming as ian chundered, seconds later dave let ian into the ses-pit of hell.
I guess it was needless to say that we left ian in bed recoving from his ordeal whilst we went down town to get our munchies, meeting up with moo and nik on the way. Well we ate heartily and went back home again to daves, to prepare ourselves the the forthcoming onslaught at Warwick University to see the band of the century - FOUR STAR MARY.
We caught the bus from pool meadow, but not before being treated to the sigt of Moo wearing a pair of trousers that are about a foot too short for him (i think he was flying at half mast cos someone had died, either that or it was the effect that his low cut shoes were having to the shape of the trousers?!?!?!?!?!?). We caught the smelly bus, and started playing the feed the forehead game (this involves seeing how many times moo tries to feed his forehead), i think the last count was 8 in an hour....well at least that would account for the size of it.
Whilst on the bus Moo got a text from Nik - thats right - Nik wasnt coming with us cos his old man said it wouldnt be polite for him to go out as they had visitors <VOICEOVER> Will Nik make it through the summer withour murderin g his family and chopping them up and selling them as chiken pakoras in his shop?<ENDVOICEOVER>
Once at Warwick we started with the beers (Ian started very tentatively with the beers), but beforelong the munchies set in and we decided to move across to the airport bar. However we were denied access as we werent warewick students (a factoid that moo seemed to have trouble to comprehend that it isnt an NUS bar it was a warwick bar). As that was where we were gonna get the grub we were left with no choice but to frequent the supermarket on campus (do you know that they dont sell chewing gum on campus....another factoid that moo seemed to have trouble to comprehend). From the shop a number of pasties and pies were bought, some crackers and cheese, and ofcourse the world famous KNORK (def'n: is it a knife, is it a fork, no its a knork).
We headed back to original bar and resumed the drinking at a rate of knots (me and mark were drinking 2 pints to daves 1 - however dave did pass us at a later stage whilst we were acosting the band). Meanwhile amidst all the drinking moo decided to feed his chest half his crackers (well it makes a change from the forehead feeding), but strangely he then began to rub the chest a alot like he had a chest/belly ache....very peculiar. By the way do you all know that moo has a nipple ring....hello? (This service is provided by BT)......that joke seemed a hell of a lot funnier at the time, but is now starting to loose its sparkle, but still gets a chuckle.
By this time the band were beginning to warm up....now was my big chance to make my mark on the L.A show biz scene. I decided to do it in the most British way possible, i positioned myself to be leaning over the balcony (we were on the floor above the stage and dance floor), two pints in my hand and began the chant of 'Steveo, Steveo, Steveo' in honour of the herman munster look alike guitarist Steve Carter, to which Steve Carter looked extremely distressed (probably cos mark was standing next to me in the same drunken state with excess beer in hand looking all big and sweaty). I vaguely remember Steve asking for me to buy him a beer - not a chance, the beer is mine all mine mmuuuhhhhaaaaa (devious laugh), i said no cos he was on water (you would have thought that i would have been able to think of a more witty comeback that that).........BING BONG - MEMORY FLASH.........DAVE BEING REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE CHICK ON THE SCAFOLDING PUTTING UP THE LIGHTS.
Well on went the drinking and more drunkenness ensued. I remember Steve Carter standing near us upstairs, when Ian had the bright idea (and he was sober) of taking him ransom for some back stage passes!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Next began the NUS hunt - it was a student only night, and with only 2 of the 5 of us being students we had to find some devious ploy to prove that we were NUS otherwise they would turf us out. Moo and Dave were fine with their NUS's, me and mark used our cov cards, even though they were out of date (the warwick security arent all that bright), and Ian asked some nerdy warwick student to sing him in - the student then said no then took the piss out of ian - ian was not amused .....wwwwhhhhaaaa ian got had bya group of weeners!!!!!In the end Ian didnt sign in - and they didnt even check, so we all got away with it.
Somewhere in the previos few paragraphs i should have mentioned that we saw a guy who looked like a goat that wouldnt get it if we called him billy as it would be english humour....if you need clarrifiation on this ask Dave!
Well we headed downstairs to the stage/dancefloor are. Where the PR chick from repeat records (four star mary's UK tour promoters) saw us looking all drunk and in U.S uni t-shirts and decide to join us for the night....cant remember her name but i do remember she had a good tatoo on her bum (yes she did tell me and mark to lift ups her top and pull her skirt down). When Steve Carter saw this he decided to give us a visit, once i explained who i was he was immediately very happy and i think he said something like 'No Shit - after one and a half years', i do make in impresson on people.......starangely enough he then decided to make a lame excuse to get away....like we have to go out back and get ready for the gig. The PR chick then showed me her digital camera and pics from other FSM gigs, and she seemed especially proud of the ones of her and James Masters.
Next came the sitting down, the more beer, then the arguement with the barmaid (not over whether i was fit to drink anymore) about if the band do the theme tune or not....they dont - Nerf Herder do the themetune to Buffy, Four Star Mary do the songs for 'Dingoes ate my baby'. Then more beer, then the queezyness, then the lots of water (i was on the verge of stomach ligning melt down......i am proud to say that dave was worried about me spending the night puking while the band were playing...good on ya dave, at least one of the guys were looking out for me.
Then came the dancing before the band were playing. First came an ear shattering rendition of ' the roof the roof the roof is on fire', doen whilst stamping on big bits of metal - very effective in scaring off the warwick nerds, and a few of the band members. Then came the greek dance (i cant remember doing this) to a circle of people clapping me on. Also there was a syncronised elbow drop on Mark ( i cant remember this), there was the circular dance, some country and western dancing, and me taking my own picture from between some bars (??), the dodge the disabled people bit, and an arguement with some heffer about her liking buffy more than the band....god i hated her!!!!!!
Then the band - quality - they rocked- and i mean really rocked - they are better live than on the CD's! I spent £50 on four star mary t-shirts, and ended up trading one of them for the drumstick that was thrown into the crowd as the chick that i was wrestling for it wouldnt give it to me (when dave saw it being thrown he said he knew i would come out of the rumble with it). Steve Carter tried to plug the merchandise they were sellign - he even used me as a model - well while he was trying to talk i put my arms in the air displaying my newly acquired t-shirts and shouted a lot so he didnt have a choice but to point at me and sday something. I think he said 'Garry man , yeah your cool', buti have a sneaky suspicion he actually said shut up you drunk git.
Well they played a bit more, i think they were frightened to stop as mark was standing near the back stage entrance looking all big and sweaty and menacing, with that evil gleem in his eye. Mear even scared one of the roadies by tapping him on his shoulder and asking for him to take a pic of him and ian...the roadie took the pic them ran off somewhere other very fast.....dont blame him, mark was drunk, sweaty and looking very scary. Meanwhile i was at the front of the dancefloor with the PR chick singing my heart out (im sure a few sneaky pics will prove my enthusiasm).When i turned and saw dave (dave didnt really know wehat to expect except lots of noise) behind me i asked him if he liked the music, dave replied ' yes but i am drunk'.....i think that should be the bands new slogan......'you'll like the music if you are drunk'
Ater the show we loitered with the band for a bit by the merchandise table.....Zu (on of the guitarists) was very happy to see mark, i think asomething sus was going on there, like mark was picking up protection money from him. Well we got some pictures with the band, got them to sign stuff and some free stickers, and had aa drunken chat.....Steve actaully wrote on my poster that i rock......I ROCK!!!!!!!
Moo and dave were dancingto the DJ music - we only knew this cos of the gangloid arms of daves being thrust into the air every 5 seconds.
Me and the Markmonger then got chatting to the new new new new other guitarist (Doug), and then completely confused him with talk of the 'house of blues' a club in L.A., i think the conversation basically consisted of Mark taunting him (in a drunken manner) that the guy hadnt been to the H.O.B and mark had been in the shop there!?!?!?!? It sounded really funny, and Doug seemed really confused by the englishness of us. There was more pictures and more mingling with the band. Tad's (vocalist) girl friend returned my car keys to me (i left them on the table with her)...she was nice!! Then the band split and so did we not long after them.
We got a taxi home - i played the drums on moos knees (he didnt like that), and we tried to pay...i say tried...the taxi driver wouldnt accept one of our pound coins (to tell you the truth it did seem lighter than normal and of a different colour. We got in Daves house, had more fun and frollocks.....pizza, photos, farts, chocolate coins, blackadder etc etc.
Strangely enough i didnt have a head ache in the AM...but dave did....wwwwhhhhhaaaaa....dave looked really bad.....i repeat , wwwwhhhhhhaaaaaaa.We got up, went into town, ate, had fun, and reminded eachother of what the other couldnt rememebr - im sure that we can still only account for 60% of the night! Trotted back to daves and went our seperate ways.
HOWEVER ONE IMPORTANT FACTIOS WAS LEARNED THIS WEEKEND - DAVE GOT 15% FOR AN ESSAY WHILE AT UNI - AND HE IS HOPING FOR A 2:2..........A MONKEY COULD GET MORE THAN 15% FOR AN ESSAY USING FINGER PAINT!
To finish in the style of daves 15% essay
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